Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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