We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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