You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
