i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
