My sheets look like a crime scene.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I checked into jail on foursquare
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Randomize
