What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
