I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
