I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
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