lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize