I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
