I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
