But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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