Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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