did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Randomize
