Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Randomize
