When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I smell like Dick and happiness
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
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