He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
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