I wish my penis had an off switch
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
