Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
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