Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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