if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
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