Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Randomize
