I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
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