Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
