The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
