I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize
