I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Randomize
