Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize