I murdered the dance floor call the cops
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Randomize
