I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Randomize
