You smell like stripper and shame
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
