It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
