When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
