Paul doesn't remember going to the bar and slept on someone's porch...doesn't know whose porch...maybe near Howard U.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
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