I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
