What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
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