If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
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