i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
