3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Randomize
