and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
It's never too late to be topless.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
