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My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
