Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Randomize
