I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Randomize
