...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
