don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
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