yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
