If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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