Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
