Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
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