Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
operation have a gay friend backfired
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
