he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
