You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Randomize
