the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
