so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
