Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
