I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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