On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
