When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
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