Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Sorry my hands just texted you
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Randomize
