Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
