Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
I look better un-naked...
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Randomize
