Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Randomize
