So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
