there's paper in my vomit.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
